oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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