I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize