Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
