winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
