my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
