just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
