The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
