Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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