So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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