i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
