Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
