Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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