I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
