Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
