I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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