I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
