Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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