God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
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DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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