had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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