I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
