haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He uses pillows to masturbate.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
