I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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