my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
