my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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