every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
