good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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