don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
