no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Let's get the cat blown out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
