I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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