i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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