I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
