Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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