I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
