the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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