JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
