your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
50% drunk capacity currently
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
