just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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