you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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