I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
