I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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