Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
