This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
