Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
