Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
