Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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