I think im going to throw up on grandma
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
