So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
