I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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