I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
