they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
