So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
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I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
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Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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