I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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