im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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