I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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