I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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