Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
