The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
