I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
