Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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