Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
