I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.