we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
